Stumps (no. 20)

Greetings Family and Friends!

Christ is risen! He is risen indeed! Happy Easter. Though we just celebrated Easter Sunday, we are in the season of Easter – the Resurrection time in the church calendar – where we look for and expect to see the resurrected Christ. We serve a God who is faithful to bring new life out of death. We prepared ourselves during Lent to learn how to be in a deeper relationship with this God – to trust Him more fully, to love Him more deeply. Ultimately, to allow Him to put to death in us the things that belong to this decaying and dying world so that we are FREE to receive the new life He wants to create in us.

However, let me be honest. New life is not easy. On one hand, we have the REALITY of the Resurrected Christ in this world and in our lives. On the other hand, we have the REALITY that we still live in a broken world with broken bodies and broken pasts and broken hearts. We have this treasure, as St. Paul says, in jars of clay. We live in-between the ALREADY and the NOT YET. There is a qualitative difference to it all – but where is it, what does it look like, and how does it change this present experience?

Maybe in being honest, I should say that this new, resurrected life is not easy for me. Today’s blog entry is my 20^th post on what was the beginning of a deep renewal in my life, as God challenged and deepened me through thoughts of reconciliation, vulnerability, and covenant – after what was a kind of “dark night of the soul.” The first two or three posts on this website will explain this awakening in my soul. That was the beginning of the process. Lent was a time to deepen my faith in following and love for Jesus again. The culmination of that is the three days of Good Friday, Holy Saturday, and Easter Sunday – after which the reality of our world and our lives are forever altered. In Christ, we are a new creation.

Yet, sometimes it doesn’t feel that way.

And the reason is failure.

Most of your know that I have been a student in a martial arts class that meets in my instructors garage for about 3 years now. He teaches us the art of Kung Fu and Ninjitsu out of his own generosity and much of class time is truly dedicated to personal growth through the discipline of martial arts. I’m often learning about life – and myself – through something we’re working on in martial arts.

More specifically – I tend to be learning these life lessons through some exercise I am failing in – often repeatedly – in martial arts.

Last night I found myself failing – repeatedly – in one such exercise called “stumps.” Stumps are pretty much a bunch of thick fire would stand on end that you have to walk over. This requires balance, concentration, and good footwork/stances. If you fall, you have to start over and you have to do push ups.

With the stumps, you can’t rush and get ahead of yourself. You can’t have sloppy stances or footwork. You can’t really progress to the next stump until you’ve balanced well on the stump you’re standing on. All of this I know. Even though the configuration of the stumps changes from time to time, the lessons really are the same. Yet at some point, I fail. Sometimes I fail even though the stumps haven’t changed. Sometimes I fail because I refuse to apply the above lessons to the stumps. One week I could be a master and the next week, I may not make it past the first few stumps. Though I’ve done this exercise for years and have improved much in it, I am by no means a master. Though I’ve become better at this, there are areas where I continue to fail.

Last night in class, the configuration of the stumps didn’t change once. I almost made it though to the end once – stepped on the last stump and fell! Ugh. Most of the time I got just up to the last 4 – 5 stumps and fell. Other times, I fell at or close to the beginning because I was rushing and anxious to complete the stupid course! Ugh. It was sooooo frustrating. I knew what I needed to do but did not do it and became my own worst enemy. Stumps can be fun but I wasn’t enjoying it last night – I was focused on the objective of “completion” rather than the practice of “applying what I know.”

You can’t enjoy the “now” if you’re living in the “future” – plain and simple truth, with the “stumps” as well as in life. Moreover, I think that it’s true for the Resurrected life as well. The resurrection is something that God has done, is doing, and will do – it is a reality. Our job is to be awakened to this new life of resurrection. We must be awake in order to participate in this life and to do this we must be connected intimately to the Resurrected Christ. This all sounds wonderful – and the last six months of my life with Jesus – Him deepening my faith and love – have been WONDERFUL (not always easy, but good).

However, even AFTER the Resurrection – there is still work to be done in applying it’s reality to our present, broken world. And guess what? There will be failure.

There’s a Post-Resurrection story that the Lord has brought to my mind the past couple of days. It’s the story of Peter’s encounter with the Risen Christ in John 21, specifically verses 15-25. This is the story where Jesus reconciles Peter to the new reality of the Resurrection (after Peter’s failure of denying Christ three times). Here’s the passage:

John 21: 15 When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?”
“Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”

16 Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”

17 The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my sheep. 18 Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.” 19 Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, “Follow me!”

20 Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, “Lord, who is going to betray you?”) 21 When Peter saw him, he asked, “Lord, what about him?”

22 Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.” 23 Because of this, the rumor spread among the believers that this disciple would not die. But Jesus did not say that he would not die; he only said, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you?”

24 This is the disciple who testifies to these things and who wrote them down. We know that his testimony is true.

25 Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written.

I’ve always identified with Peter. Peter is the character who talks a lot, he’s a leader, he’s close to Jesus. Sometimes He says and does great things (walk on water, confessing Jesus as Messiah) and sometimes horribly stupid and impetuous things (chopping off an ear, denying his relationship with Jesus).

And in this story – I feel a lot like Peter today. This time in my life of renewal has been because Jesus showed up, unexpectedly, while I was out fishing. I recognized him and jumped out the boat and swam to Him. He then proceeded to feed me and then take me into my own area of weakness and/or failure…asking me over and over:

“Jason, do you love me?”

And I’d say, “YES! YES! YES! 1,000 times YES!”

And Jesus would say, “Be a servant.”

That’s a summary of my journey to this point, in a way. And I truly believe that Jesus has reoriented me around servanthood again. However, I find that this Resurrection reality is not perfectly applied by Yours Truly in the broken reality of mine.

You’d think I’d have this down by now, though. But I don’t. Being a servant is a deliberate daily choice. It is a moment-by-moment choice. Sometimes I don’t even realize when I’ve slipped back into NOT serving because it’s usually a subtle thing like is was for Peter. Look at verses 18-21. Jesus tells Peter that he’s going to die for the faith, but still says “FOLLOW ME.” Translation – you can’t avoid this, Peter. You’re going to die just like I did, so you’d better know what you’re getting yourself into. Yes, it’s the path of new and everlasting life, but it’s not always going to be easy or painless. Nevertheless, follow me…it’s ok to trust me.

In this brief episode – Jesus is telling Peter his story and connecting him to it in a deeper way. Quickly, however, Peter takes his attention off Jesus, looks over at John, and asks, “Lord, what about him?” Jesus’ answer: “What is it to you? YOU follow me.”

Why after hearing such beautiful words from Jesus does Peter need Jesus to say anything more at all, let alone something about John? Where does that come from?

This reminds me of a scene in C.S. Lewis’ “The Horse and His Boy.”

It paints a beautiful picture of redemption – of Shasta’s journey from slavery to freedom, from being owned by another to discovering his royal identity:

[Aslan to Shasta toward the end of the book – explaining the journey] – “There was only one lion … I was the lion … who forced you to join Aravis. I was the cat who comforted you among the houses of the dead. I was the lion who drove the jackals from you while you slept. I was the lion who gave the horses the new strength of fear for the last mile so that you should reach King Lune in time. And I was the lion you do not remember who pushed the boat in which you lay, a child near death, so that it came to shore where a man sat, wakeful at midnight, to receive you.”

[to Shasta when he questions Aslan and asks for an explanation for Aravis’ story] – “Child,” said the Voice, “I am telling you your story, not hers. I tell no one any story but his own.”

Why after hearing such beautiful words from Aslan does Shasta need him to say anything more at all, let alone something about Aravis? Where does that come from?

I think in both the Bible story, in Chronicles of Narnia, and in my own life – despite hearing and experiencing the beauty of Resurrection life – our insecurities and imperfections lead us to lose focus, get ahead of ourselves, try to figure out the ending of the story or what God is up to in the future. And we fail. We fall off the stumps. And by “we” I mean “me.”

Paraphrasing Jesus’ response to Peter – “Trust me and stick close to me, I’ve got you both covered.” Paraphrasing Aslan’s response to Shasta was “pay attention to your own story and everything will work out.” Paraphrasing my martial arts instructor – “Apply what you already know and don’t get ahead of yourself.”

You see, Jesus already knew that none of us would get the Resurrection life down perfectly. Part of it is that we have the wrong idea of perfection and the wrong idea of a relationship with God. We won’t be perfect in our actions and we cannot earn love from God because it’s a gift.

God KNEW we’d forever need Him every step of the way – not only to overcome this broken reality – but because we are DESIGNED to be in intimacy with Him. THAT IS the goal!!! Everything else that flows out of this goal, this purpose – is just part of God’s abundant graciousness – but even that stuff is still about the love the Father has for us, the Giver, not the gift, is the focus.

For me, this means that though Jesus has asked me “Do you love me? I’ve said, “Yes!” and Jesus has responded, “SERVE” – the only way that makes any sense at all is if I remain passionately close to and in love with Jesus. When I do this, service flows naturally out of me.

If I focus on who, what, when, where, why, and how to serve – even though that’s not necessarily bad – it becomes about me figuring out things rather than following, and when that happens, it becomes about me not Jesus, rendering the servanthood Jesus is asking of me very difficult, if not impossible. It’s all too easy to move out of the Reality of the Resurrection sometimes, because it’s a subtle shift.

Subtle shifts often lead to failure in the “stumps” exercise in martial arts. When failure happens, the remedy is simple: Begin again, assess what you did wrong, apply what you know. There’s no time for pouting or kicking yourself or being frustrated – because this will keep you from learning and growing – and you’ll never complete the stumps this way. You simply must, Begin again, assess what you did wrong, apply what you know. That makes the stumps easier and more fun – because you’re taking it one-step at a time, not rushing, not being sloppy, etc. No need to rush and get anxious trying to complete the course! Simply take it a step at a time and enjoy it.

Jesus said, “I AM the RESURRECTION and the LIFE.” And He said in John 15 “I AM the VINE and you are the BRANCHES. ABIDE in me and you WILL BEAR MUCH FRUIT.” I wear a ring on my right ring finger to remind me that I can only be the Jason God wants me to be if I abide in Him and make His life my life. It’s a tangible reminder to me – though I am still growing and learning. All of my problems and failures are usually traceable back to a point when my heart stopped abiding in Christ and started to ask the question: “Lord, what about…?”

I don’t know about you, but I know that I have my list of “Lord, what about(s)?” Interestingly, the things on this list are not bad and in some sense, they’ve made it on my list AS I have followed Jesus deeply. But sometimes what I do is follow Jesus until I think that I’m smart enough to take over and say “yeah, yeah, Jesus, I’ve got it from here” – like a teenager does when they THINK they’ve learned a task from their parent and are eager to rush to apply that knowledge, only to fail. No need to do this – there is joy in the journey.

If I’ve learned anything about the Resurrection Life in the past 6 months it that I must increasingly rely on Jesus more, not less.” To fully invest in the resurrection life, I need to realize my deep dependency on abiding in Christ – MOMENT-BY-MOMENT. Not only do I need to realize it, I need to trust it and find joy in it. When I do this, everything makes sense, life flows naturally, and God – our loving Father – provides. Everything comes through prayer (intimacy with God) and I don’t want it any other way. I’ve seen God affirm this repeatedly in my life, especially the last few months. Yet, like Peter – I must stand firm with the Resurrected Christ in my heart, for He is my goal – He is my portion – He is my life. With the Resurrection life (just like with the stumps) – No need to rush and get anxious trying to complete the course! Simply take it a step at a time and enjoy it.

There is a song by Jeremy Riddle called “Full Attention” that expresses beautifully this concept of abiding.

May Your voice be louder
May Your voice be clearer
Than all the others, than all the others

May Your face be dearer
May Your words be sweeter
Than all the others
Than all the others in my life

Please keep my eyes fixed on You
Please root my heart so deep in You
Keep me abiding, keep me abiding
Keep me abiding that I
Oh, that I might bear fruit

May Your presence be truer
May Your presence be nearer
Than all the others, than all the others

May Your light burn brighter
May Your love go deeper
Than all the others
Than all the others in my life

Please keep my eyes fixed on You
Please root my heart so deep in You
Keep me abiding, keep me abiding
Keep me abiding that I
Oh, that I might bear fruit

Oh, the cry of my heart today and always is this song! I hope it’s your prayer today too. We’ve encountered the Risen Christ!!! He is risen indeed! Yet, we all still live in this present broken reality until we die or Jesus returns. Sometimes, we’ll fall off the stumps in big and small ways. The remedy is to return again and again to that which is LIFE – abiding in Jesus. In addition, I am reminding myself and you all that it’s only ABIDING that leads to ABUNDANCE in Christ and the life He offers to us. This is an exciting way to live – for God’s presence is amazingly peaceful and God’s provision is always perfect. No need to rush and get anxious trying to complete the course (life)! Simply take it a step at a time and enjoy it with Jesus.

Keep abiding…

Grace, Peace, and Love,

Jason